Letter to Vlasic:
Our local Fry’s, as you may be aware, promoted new Ovals pickles with a significant markdown, enabling us to purchase these designer pickles at an affordable price. I was pleased to discover the kosher dill pickles are actually kosher—certified by the reputable Orthodox Union. While we don’t understand the necessity of dyes in the ingredients, we are otherwise pleased as pickles with these pickles. However, I have one question. On the lid, a curious bit of copy appears. ‘Pickles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner… Why not?’ Naturally, Vlasic would like consumers to ingest more and more pickles. But I wonder if you can help me think of ways to put this into practice. I’m fine on the pickles for lunch and dinner parts; it’s breakfast where I’m stumped. Get this: Vlasic, I’ve turned into an adult,
and not only that, but one with a delicate stomach. Mornings, I now
eat breakfast foods—smoothies I make myself in a Cuisinart blender,
or whole grain cereals enriched with protein. I follow the protein-and-carbohydrate
rule whenever possible. Before, Vlasic, I might’ve seen your
copy and laughed, then tried it for a week—veggie burgers for
breakfast with plenty of pickles; peanut butter and pickle sandwiches;
heck, I might’ve whipped up a pickle pancake. But now that I’m
old and nearly dead, I can’t do that. (Do I dare to eat a pickle?)
What should I do? How do you suggest people such as myself
put your pickle-piggin’ into practice? |
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